I LOVE MY BABY! HES THE BEST! BUT HE NEEDS TO GO TO BED! :-P

Sara just asked me to be her maid of honor!!!
Holy fuckin shit! Im SO excited!!!



Oh yea, and I went from #22 to #6 on someones list. Uh Oh!
Bad David, Bad! :-p

-Longest Relationship:
almost 5 years

-Shortest relationship:
I had many that were a week and under that I don’t really count as actual relationships. I’m picky. So shortest besides those, a month.

-How many long-term relationships have you had?
2 (1 1/2 years & 5 years, almost)

-How many serious relationships have you had?
3 or 4

-How many people have you broken up with?
7/8

-How many boyfriends/girlfriends have told you they loved you?
7

-Have you ever thought that you were going to marry the person you were with?
yes, twice - first one - I was young and with him for almost 5 years. second one - I was just dumb.

-Have you ever loved someone so much that it hurt?
yes

-Have you ever made a boyfriend or girlfriend cry?
Yea a few, usually when the breaking up takes place

-Have you ever cried over a boyfriend or girlfriend?
yup

-Are you happier single or in a relationship?
I have liked both. but if you’re in a good relationship (which is rare) then that should defiantly make you happy. Which I am!

-Have you ever been cheated on?
yes, and he told my friends! so I kicked his ass :-D

-What is your favorite thing about the opposite sex?
those moments when your so in love that all you want to do is spend time with them!

-What is the best part of being in a relationship?
knowing that you have someone you can count on and share all your private thoughts with. and then of course the fact that you can get seom ass whenever you want to :-p

-What is the worst part of being in a relationship?
Jealousy! Im a jealous person, I hate it.

-Worst relationship?
the ones where all you do is fight and break up.

-Have you ever had your heart broken?
yes

-Have you ever broken someone’s heart?
yes, but im certainly not proud of it

-Do you talk to any of your exes?
basically all of those who actually meant something to me. I figure, if I was with them for as long as I was, it would be a terrible waste to not still have that person at least as my friend.

-What is your ideal boyfriend or girlfriend?
tall, dark and handsome! they got to have nice eyes and/or lips, I dig that defiantly. funny guys are extremely attractive! A sense of humor is a must! I’m a little out of my mind so a guy who isn’t afraid to be goofy, so I feel comf doing the same is the shit! I like attention so someone who can keep up and smother me with some loving sweetness is a must! someone who knows what they want out of life, and does plan on getting married and having kids one day.

-Do you believe that you are a good boyfriend or girlfriend?
it really depends on the person im dating! some can bring out the best in me and others can bring out the worst in me.

-Have you dated people who were not good to you?
yes! but I was also in some relationships were at points, we were not good to each other.

-Have you been in an abusive relationship?
verbally, yes

-Have you ever had sex with someone just so that they would stay with you?
no! Don’t girls get that, that doesn’t work! ass is ass to men, they don’t care. cause if they are not getting it from you they will get it from someone else. keep your pants on ladies, you cant bribe a guy with sex!!!

-Have you ever had sexual fantasies about one of your exes?
I used to about one in particular. but now that im happy, nope!

-Have you dated someone older then you?
my ex's are all older than me

-Younger?
only by a few days

-What is one thing that all of your exes had in common?
most all guys I have dated were juggalos! if they weren’t, by the time I was done with them they were :-p major bonus if they are!


-Say who is the most attractive ex that you have ever dated?
thats an uncomfortable situation to put me in considering most of my ex's are on myspace, so I won’t answer that. what I can answer is who was most my type, which would be David.

-Have u ever done anything sexual in front of your parents?
I have cuddled n smooched. but they did walk in on my once!

-In the movies?
indeed

-Do you regret anything that you have done with a boyfriend or girlfriend?
yup, but I refuse to go into that

-Have you ever cried yourself to sleep over a boyfriend or girlfriend?
I did many a times over a certain one

-When is the last time that you were in a relationship?
currently

-If you are in a relationship, what is your favorite thing about it?
I don’t even know where to start! I have an amazing guy who totally spoils me, makes me feel special and def shows he cares! he is the sweetest guy in the entire world! and hes great with putting up with me! im a tough chicky to deal with most of the time and he does it with a breeze! that and hes absolutely gorgeous! *muah*

-Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?
depending on the crime ...
if I truly love someone and believe they can be forgiven or are capable of changing, im always one to give a second chance. that’s probably the reason why I have been in so many bad situations. but hey, I have been given those second chances too, no ones perfect.

-Believe in love at first sight?
yes

-Ever dated two people at once?
ekk ... yes

-Ever been given a promise ring?
yes, 2 of them. just shows how guys are not good at keeping promises :-p oh wait, I broke up with them :-p

-Do you want to get married?
most defiantly

-Is there someone you could see yourself getting married to?
I can’t answer a question like that! people read this! ;) I shall nevvvvvvvvvvvvvvvver tell! :-p

-Do you have something to say to any of your exes?
nope

-Ever stolen someone’s boyfriend or girlfriend?
no. but I did ONCE see a guy who had a girlfriend

-Ever liked someone else’s boyfriend or girlfriend?
just that one time

-Do you believe in true love?
yes

-How do you know when you are in love with someone?
Easy! when you wake up in the morning they are the first thing on your mind. and before you go to sleep they are the last thing on your mind. when all you want to do is be close to that person and when you don’t get to see them, your days are never as bright and the day seems to drag on forever.

-How many times have you truly been in love?
looking back, honestly it’s hard to say. I think that I thought I was in a certain situation but now that I look back on it I don’t think I was.
so from way back when, until now, I will have to say 3

-What is the difference between loving someone and being "in love"?
I think its possible for people to fall in and out of love many times, even so without actually truly loving the person. I think falling in love is that butterfly feeling that you get in your stomach. that feeling like your life is perfect when you are with that person.
I think truly loving someone is the more mature aspect. the gut feeling that tells you "this can be the one" and that you cant imagine living day to day without that person.

-How many people have you said, "I love you" to?
4

How many people have you said it to and meant it?
3

-Does heartbreak really feel as bad as it sounds?
what kind of question is that!? anyone who’s ever truly loved knows the agony and pain of losing that love. weather its yours choice to end it or theirs, its never easy, its the worst feeling in the world!

-Do you think that you will/have found the love of your life?
its too soon to tell, but I defiantly have a good feeling!

1) 94% of men lie about their dick size.
According to condom manufacturers, only 6% of
men need to use extra large condoms.

2) The average man is 5 inches long when erect
(no matter what you have heard ladies, that's the
truth). (incidentally the average vaginal capactity is
only 6 inches, for you women who think you can handle
king dong)

3) 80% of American men are circumsized. Even
though Pediatrics say it is not necessary.

4) No matter what all the ads say, nothing can
make your penis grow but time (most men reach
the end of their growth by the early 20's)

5) There is no correlation between penis size and
shoe size, hand size, or nose size.

6) Blue balls does exist! It's technically
called "prostatic congestion."

7) Only 16% of men shave their privates.


+Some stuff on the ladies+
------------------------------

1) Only 9% of women around the globe consider
themselves "attractive" (20% of British women
do). 43% of women use the term "natural", 24% say
they have "average" looks, 8% prefer the
term "feminine", 7% say they are "good looking",
and 7% say they are "cute", and finally only 2% of
women say they are "sexy".

2) An estimated 85% of women wear the wrong
size bra.

3) 60% of women have had breast implants.

4) 75% of women like giving/getting oral sex.

5) 95% of women shave their privates.

+Both+
--------------------------------
1) Masturbation is healthy for both men and
women.

2) 70% of highschoolers have had sex before
they have graduated. 27% loose their virginity senior
prom night. Only 3% wait until marriage.

3) 95% of men would have sex with a girl after 1
month of dating. Only 10% of women feel this way.


+5 Reasons Why Sex is Good+
---------------------------------------------
1) It is a good workout. Sex burns about 150
calories every half an hour of it. It will lower your
cholesterol and improve breathing circulation.

2) You won't get sick. According to research if
you have sex 1-2 times a week you are less likely to
get sick.

3) You'll feel happier. You will feel a greater sense
of well-being. Women who have more sex were
clinically proven to be less depressed than women
who dont have sex.

4) Makes you look better - [ problem is, ugly people
don`t get any ]. Sex releases hormones in your which make your skin and hair softer and shinier and tone your physique.

5) (The best reason) You will live longer. Studies
prove that sex makes you live longer. Men who
had sex 1-2 times a week had half the death rate
as those who did not indulge themselves at least
once a month. It also makes you look younger. If
you have sex 3 times a week you may look up to
10 years younger than you really are.

Did You Know?
----------------------------------------
1) Having sex 3 times a week for 1 year adds up
to running 75 miles!!!!

If you don't post this then you will have bad sex
for 7 years (who wants that?)

1.Where did you take your default pic?
Justins House

2.What exactly are you wearing right now?
Pink Cubs shirt and Spongebob Comfy Pants

3.What is your current problem?
I Need a Fuckin Job!

4.What makes you most happy?
Being With My Baby!

5.What's the name of the song that you're listening to?
Again and Again

6.Any celeb you would marry?


7.Name someone with the same birthday as you?
My mom

8.Ever sang in front of a large audience?
Yes, Drunkenly

9. Has anyone ever said you looked like a celebrity?
Yes, Marisa Tomei, but I wish!

10.Do you still watch kiddy movies or kiddie TV shows?
If Disney movies count, then fuck yea!

11.Do you speak any other languages?
Nope

12.Has anyone you've been really close with passed away?
Only pets

13.Do you ever watch MTV?
Real World! Fresh Meat! Laguna Beach! The Hills!

14.What's something that really annoys you?
When people say they are going to do something, and at a certain time, and dont!



Chapter 1:

1.Middle name:
Michele

2.Nickname(s):
Jen Jen
Jenny Bean
Nenny
Nenners
Nenno

3.Current location:
Hell

4.Eye color:
Brown


Chapter 2:

1.Do you live with your parents:
No, I live with someone elses parents

2.Do you get along with your parent(s):
my dad, when he was around, yes. My mom... ehhh!

3.Are your parents married/separated/divorced:
Well my mom never married my biological father, whom we just call "the sperm donor" SO my "step dad" is DAD! And they are still married.

4.Do you have any Siblings?:
1 lil sister


Chapter 3: Favorites

1) Favorite ice cream:
Eddys Rocky Road!

2.Season:
Spring

3.Shampoo/conditioner:
Victoria Secret

4. Band/ Artist
ICP, Twiztid

5. Song
Twiztid - Different

6. Color
Pink!

7. Show
Dawsons Creek

8. Game
Sims!



Chapter 4: Do You...

1.Dance in the shower:
no, with my luck I will slip and fall!

2.Write on your hand:
no

3.Call people back:
sometimes, I have been bad with that lately

4.Believe in love:
I do, I do!

5.Sleep on a certain side of the bed:
I prefere to sleep closest to the wall

6. Any bad habits:
Smoking & drinking



Chapter 5: Have You...

1.Broken a bone:
well I personally didnt break it, but yes I have had a bone broken

2.Sprained stuff:
My wrist ... trying to hit my sister ... nice one ...

3.Had physical therapy?
no

4.Gotten stitches:
I should have but refused

5.Taken painkillers:
yes, only when needed

6. Been scuba diving/snorkeling?
no but I would love to!!

7.Been stung by a bee:
no but I have been stung by a wasp

8.Thrown up at the dentist:
no

9.Sworn in front of your parents:
yes, and usually at my mom

10.Had detention:
more like suspentions

11.Been sent to the principal's office:
way to many times

12.Been called a hoe:
a tease maybe


Chaper 6: Who/What was the last...

1.Movie(s) you saw:
The Hills Have Eyes ... fucked up movie!!!

2.Person to text you?
David

3.Person to call you?
Adam I think

4.Person who hugged you?
Adam

5.Person you tackled?
no one

6.Thing you touched:
Keyboard?

7.Thing you ate:
Eggs! I finally ate a meal today! Hurray!

8.Thing you drank:
Milk ... which my stomach is liking too much

9.Thing you said:
I cant sleep

10.Friend(s) you consider really close to you:
Kevin, Sara, Sarah, Adam & Tommy

11.Friends you miss the most that have moved:
David

REMEMBER WHEN ...

before myspace

Before Sidekicks & iPods.

Before MIKE JONES

Before PlayStation2 or X-BOX.

Before the 5 hours(5min) of homework you put off every night.

WHEN LIGHT UP SNEAKERS WERE KOOL

When you rented VHS tapes, not DVDs.

When gas was $0.95 a gallon & Caller ID was a new thing.

When we recorded stuff on VCRs & paid $3.50 for a movie.

When we called the radio station to request songs to hear off our walkmans.

When 2Pac and Biggie where alive.

When the Chicago Bulls were the best team ever.




Way back..........

Tag.

Hide-n-Go Seek at dusk.

Red Light, Green Light.

Heads Up 7 Up.

Playing kickball & dodgeball until your porch light came on.

Hopscotch.

Slip-n-Slides.

Tree Houses.

Hula Hoops.

Skip-its.

Reading R.L. Stine's Goose Bumps.

The annoying Nano Pets & Furbies.

Running through the sprinklers.


Crying when Mufasa died in the Lion King.


Happy Meals where you chose a Barbie or a Hot Wheels car.

Getting the privelage to sit in the front seat of the car.

Drinking Sqeeze It "Squeeze The Fun Out Of It."

But wait....

Watching Saturday Morning Cartoons in your PJ's still wrapped up in your Garfield comforter.

Hey Arnold, Doug, Rugrats.

The original Power Rangers

Or what about....

The Secret Life of Alex Mac.

Ren & Stimpy.

Double Dare.

Rocko's Modern Life.

AAAHH!! REAL MONSTERS.

Wild & Crazy Kids.

Clarissa Explains it All.

Salute Your Shorts.

Are You Afraid of the Dark?

The original cast members of All That.

Kenan & Kel.

The Magic School Bus.

Flash Forward.

Pete and Pete.

Legends of the Hidden Temple.

Hey Dude.

Dinosaurs.

Pinky and the Brain.

Blossom.

Hangin' With Mr. Copper.

Wishbone.

Bill-Nye the Science Guy.

Kablamm.

Who could forget Snick? & Nick @ Nite with Bewitched, I Dream of Jeanie, The Facts of Life, & I Love Lucy.

Where everyone wanted to be in love after watching The Wonder Years.

Or Nick Jr. with Face.

Gulah-Gulah Island.

Little Bear.

Under the Umbrella Tree.

The Busy World of Richard Scary.

The Adventures of Winnie the Pooh.

Kool-Aid was the drink of choice.

Wearing your new shoes on the first day of school.

Class field trips.

When Christmas was the most exciting time of year.

When $5 seemed like a million, & another dollar a miracle.

When you begged to go to McDonalds for dinner everyday.

When Toys 'R' Us overuled the mall.

Go back to the time when.....

Argument's were only started when it came to who was gonna be the redranger.

Decisions were made by going 'eeny-meeny-miney-moe'.

Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming 'do over!'

'Race issue' ment arguing about who ran the fastest.

Money issues were handled by whoever was banker in 'Monopoly'.

It wasn't odd to have two or three 'best' friends.

Being old referred to anyone over 20.

A chance to skate as a couple at the local roller rink was like winning the lottery.

Scrapes & bruises were kissed & made better.

It was a big deal to finally be tall enough to ride the 'big people' rides at the fair.

When playing Nintendo was the hardest thing ever.

When Ninja Turtles ruled the world.

When Lisa Frank was the raddest thing ever.

When a candy bar at the grocery store was the highlight of your day.

When coupons collected all year could get you a prize in your class auction.

When the only thing you cried over was your mom being late to pick you up.

When stress was addition and subtraction.

When friendships were as complicated as who's house to sleep over.

When shaving cream was just meant for play.

When a first kiss only lead to cooties.

When Valentines Day meant cards for all.

When birthdays were a class event.

When a friend moving away was the saddest day of your life.

When the summer lasted forever.

When time didn't matter.

These were the days we hadn't realized escaped us until it's all brought back.

I just got the sweetest voicemail from my sweety! What a lucky lucky girl I am!
He certainly knows how to make me smile and feel loved!

Im a little stressed out today but its nothin terrible.
Work today was one of those crazy hectic days where your constantly
running around, and you definalty dont want to be. I wanted to be at
home, in bed, writting kevin and reading my book instead. But now that
Im home I cant figure out what to do with myself. Im trying desperatly
to keep myself busy and distracted so I dont have to think about all
the things that are going on right now. None of these things are anything
out of the normal everyday problems tho, so Im very thankful for that.
I feel like even with this stress Im still feeling good about things.
I mean really, this will all pass. Im just stuck in a few uncomfortable
situations that I will soon be able to get myself out of. And I know Im
looking forward to lots of great things.
The major thing is my job still. Im not one who likes change at all. And
not working at Yankee Candle (My easy ass fun job) and then getting this
new assistant manager position, it was change. I hated it for some time
like everyone hates a new job. But once again Im comfortable, or at least
comfortable enough to deal with it. But now I have to get a new job so
that I can go on vacation. Thats definatly not the only reason, but its
the only reason actually pushing me to go looking for something else.

I feel really bad about it because I havnt told my boss that Im looking
for something else, she has no idea. I dont want to leave her stuck without
another assistant, but at the same time its not fair to me all the things
I have to deal with and that Im denied my vacation. I value my job sure,
only because it brings in cash and pays my bills. But Im not about to put
my life on hold and miss something that will stay with me for the rest of
my life because its not convienant for someone else. Especially for a retail
job. I can get another job just like it at a million other places.
I already applied at a place Im sure to get the job at. Basically because I
already worked there and have done everything needed for the position im
applying for, even tho it wasnt my actual title on paper. So they wouldnt need
to train me, Im completely open schedule wise. And a fellow co-worker from
the location I worked at, transfered to the new one Im applying at. If I
dont get this job I would be shocked.
But I have to do it soon which leaves my boss in a shitty spot. Im avoiding
mentioning it simply because I dont want to go through hell everyday that
I work there until Im gone, which it will be because shes a bitch like that.
And I cant mention it without having another job lined up for sure because
what if she lets me go. Even though she really cant afford to because there
would only be 2 managers and one assistant. Which again is why I feel so shitty
about not saying anything. The situation sucks in general.

Its nothing I cant work out but I just dont have a whole lot of time to think
about what Im going to do. I mean yes, I have months to find something new until
my trip. But if I want this job at this specific place I will have to jump fast
on it.
I guess this would be easier to figure out if I had someone to give me some
damn advice. Thats the only thing about my life these days that sucks. There
are not many people that I can talk to these things about or that I even bother
to tell these things about. I know other people have alot more complicated issues
in thier lives, and issues they dont themselves create like this one I have created
for myself. That and I have basically distanced myself from alot of my friends
since I got this new job. Im not really sure why, and its not another thing
I care to sit and think about.
I guess its all just another perk of getting older. Your supposed to get smarter,
wiser as you get older, but really Im just as confused about everything in my life
just as I was years ago.

So last Monday is probably the most fun I have had all month.
Justin showed me a pretty kick ass bar, Dakotas. They had amazing
specials for Monday and were open until 4am. I had about 6 shots,
5 beers and had a grand old time. When I get drunk I talk to everyone
and their mother, haha. I made a few chicky friends I guess you could
say. Justin is definatly my favorite bar buddy. Hes one of the very
few guys who will dance! And anyone whos been to the bar with me knows
I have a really good time if I get to shake my ass a bit. Haha!

I dont drink anymore so when I do Im the happiest girl in all the
world, haha. Its true, I becomes the happiest drunk imaginable. Its so much greater when its not an often thing.

Last night I went to On The Border, great mexican rest. I loved it,
and def recommend it! I also saw X-Men The Last Stand which was an
incredible movie.
Today was my day off and I had lots of plans. I wanted to go to the mall
with my sis and look around for some clothes for my vaca and a new bathing
suit. And then spend the rest of my day with sis planning Kevs welcome
home party. Well because of the weather I got stuck at home! FUn day! :-\

As for today, I think the crappy weather is getting to me. I have so much
on my mind and Im stressing out. I have had alot of fun planning my
vacation but it makes me feel a bit icky I must admit. In order to go
on this vacation I have to find a new job. I have really come to like my
job alot, aside from hating my boss. But things are just to crazy there.
I dont get the days I request off. I cant get the day off I want weekly.
I was denied my time off to go to the gathering, and now I have been denied the time off for this Vegas trip. How fuckin rediculous is that?!
I dont really have a choice. Im not passing up this opprotunity! My life is filled with all these plans that never become anything. And this is something Im set on doing. So therefor, time to job search once again.

Im confused about alot of things that could potentially change many things in my life. Deciding what the right thing to do is always hard. And the thing with Kevin getting out ... Im really excited. But at the same time I have this huge cloud hanging over me and I dont know why. Im really nervous and have this strange unsettling feeling. And I cant figure out why. Well I guess I do have some sort of idea .. Keri ...
This one single female is holding so many cards that could potencially ruin Kevin once he comes home. She needs to stay the fuck away from him! She is such a worthless whore and Kevin doesnt need her bullshit. He needs a new start when he comes home. Im just hoping he will make the right choice.

First things first -

So the So Sic gathering Saturday was alot of fun.
I picked up Sara and headed to Emmas house where Sarah and her were waiting
for us. I suggested some drinks before we hit the road and we all got pretty
trashed in a really short period of time. The ride was funny as all hell.
We finally got there feening to drink some more. We missed some peoples perform
but it was all good.
We drank, listened to music and enjoyed ourselves. I met some cuties and some
cool guys. Spooky, Carl & Panik did great. I was especially impressed with Panik.
The vibe there was awesome. I met one cool chicky in paticular, Jenny. God
is that girl gorgous!
So drunk as fuck we decided to head over to hier hotel room and party it up over
there some before takin off. I ended up leavin the room to walk and talk with
Kevin Evan, haha. Hes a cool one. When we went back the girls and Wicked 1 had
gone downstairs to the hot tub. They were all naked! haha! I went to get in cause
only the girls were in there but before I could one of the staff members came
and kicked us out! Bummer!


So i got that new job, yay. I went in for my first day yesterday and it was alright.
Im used to my last job where everything is neat and clean and new. This place is not
so much like that. Im not completely comf there yet and IM not sure how much I like
it. But its only the first 2 weeks at a new place that sucks. After that once I know
all that Im suposed to do it will be fine. I think Im most uncomfortable with people
being over my shoulder all the time. Im not used to that. But oncve the 2 week
training is over I will be able to open and close by myself and have some piece. Yay.
Even if I dont like it Im gonna stick with it because it pays well and basically,
I need the money!

I need to get my car back. I need to save more the gathering. For this suposid
trip im taking to Las Vegas. I want my first trip there to be fun and worth remembering.
And I think going there for Heathers birthday will be anything but that. So I think
Ill let them go and stay behind.

Plus once Kevin gets home weather it be in July or October Im gonna need money to
throw him a bad ass welcome home party! If he does come home in July, before the
gathering, hes getting an early birthday gift! He is gonna go with me! :)

Blah.

SO I went to my dads court date, it was a disaster. Mom didnt even go, I couldnt believe it!
What a selfesh jerk. She rather sleep than see and be suportive to her husband. Same ol shit.
He got 5 years which he will serve 2 of. Kill didnt even show up and he still got that, its crap!
So much for praying. I tried to have a little faith in something, a little hope that maybe there
is a God and he wouldnt let such a terrible thing happen. But I was right originally.
That just isnt so.

So last night in hopes to cheer me up or just plain forget, him and his boss invited me up there
to be a tester to see what drinks they should put on special. It was only suposed to be 4 drinks.
But 4 drinks turned into 12. And 10 were good so I drank those 10, and for free. It was a blast.

Today I went to an interview for an assistant manager position. Im pretty sure I got it but Im not
going to get my hopes up. Because really, I dont see anything going right for me. Its just one
thing after another no matter how hard I try. Im going to call them back tomorrow to see whats up.
Im just gonna tell them I wanted to see if they figured out if they want me or not and I had to
call because I will be out of town over the weekend. Which isnt totally a lie. Im just really anxious.
I need a job so desperatly and this would be perfect. More than anything else I need the money
to pay to get my car fixed. I miss my baby so much!

I was doing so well with this good mood, high spirits thing for so long and then things just
came crashing down. I dont really know how it started to become like this again. When Im out and
about and around other people Im good at pretending that its all ok. But there are a very
select few people who know me too well and see through that.

On top of everything my whole family basically hates me right now, I dont even know what to do.
I have a family event comming up and Im not sure I should even go. One I have to because of my
Godchild whom I love to death. So Im going to have to put up with the fact that everyone else
hates me. They are not here with me on an everyday basis so it will make it easier to accept
and deal with. It pains me to know I have been in the wrong, as have they as well. But I just
dont have the energy to say or do anything about it right now. There are people in my life
who accept me for who I am and my honesty, and also understand the difference between my outbursts
and how i really feel. I dont find the need to explain myself at this point and time
because I just dont have the energy.

I have never really felt like a part of the family. No one includes us in family outings, we
just show up for holidays and some birthdays. I have never been ok or comfortable with that
but I dont say anything. I dont see it changing thats why. We are known for the people who
dont show up to anything but at the same time we are never notified. I dont know what I can do.
So I wont do anything right now.

I guess thats it for now.

From now on this is where I will be writing instead of Myspace blogs.
If your interested continue to check out this page and/or create
and account yourself and add me to your friends list. You will then be
able to see my more private, friends only entrys.

Thanks Guys!

Yesterday was one of the worst days of my life. It started nice, going out and shopping for the
new apartment. Me and Tommy went out with Chris and Monica, his new wife. It was so exciting
that Chris got married. I only wish I had been able to be there, but oh well, it was really
short notice. So we went to Buffalo Wild Wings, yes of course I played poker and kicked ass.
Justin, Trent, & Paul eventually showed up too which was cool. I havnt seen those guys in a
minuted cause I dont go out to the bar anymore. Im a broke ass.

So I had to go home early because the next day was the day I had to go visit my dad.
Tommy wasnt gonna stay long, til midnight he said. So I sat at home trying to sleep and
crazy things kept running through my head. I kept thinking, "what will i say?",
"am I going to be able to handle seeing him?" a whole bunch of things. It started to get
late and the more time passed the more awake I became. I couldnt stop thinking about it.
I wanted to talk to someone about my worries but these are personal things I just
couldnt talk to anyone about. So I just waited for Tommy to get home so I could talk to
him about it all.

Well midnight passed. Then 1a, 2a, 3a. On top of worrying about not getting any sleep before
I had to go, and worrying about actually going, I was now worrying if Tommy was ok.
I didnt know where he could be or how to reach him. I just sat there and worried.
Then at 4am I got a call from Paul. "Im at Penny Road with Tommy and hes trashed. He got
pissed off and took off on foot from the bar"
You can imagine how livid I was. Im sitting her freaking out about my dad and worrying
about Tommy and hes at a bar! What if I had actually been asleep when I got this call.
Wheres the consideration in all of this? In a few hours was the most stressful day of
my life and he was out at the bar all night, not here being supportive. And I wont
even begin to start about how much was actually spent. How does one spent over $100 at
the bar. Oh wait, maybe going to 3 different bars ... I dont know. I was fumming!

He gets home, we fight, I left. I drove to my sisters and realized I dont want to
live there anymore. I drove all the way back and picked up all of my belongings and
drove right back to my moms. We got ready to go because we had to be there by 9am
and my mom says shes not going. The last chance we have to see him in 2 1/2 years
and shes not going! I gave her the biggest guilt trip possable then she agreed.
Right as we are about to walk out the door. "Im not going, Im in too much pain"
WHAT THE FUCK?!

We didnt want to be stuck in the car with her anyways so we just went. Thankfully
we didnt get lost on the way which was nice. I cant handle getting lost, esp in the city.
So we get there and go in. No, we cant get through, we have to change out shirts.
We have to be covered up to our neck. And i was wearing black work pants, a long shirt
and a sweater over it. But NOOOOOOO I have to change. So I walked all the way back to the
car and fuckin changed.
We come back and they dont think they can let us up to the desk to check in because
Jess doesnt have a parent or a state ID. Shes 16, doesnt drive, what does she need a
state ID for, she has a school ID! On top of that I told them, shes my sister and Im
21 so I can pass for a legal gardian. They say fine. Then look at our IDs and we
have different last names. Another problem.

They tell us we can try it at the front desk when registering but they dont know if
it will pass or not. So we get up there and shes a total bitch. One look at us and says no!
I argued that a 16 year old shouldnt have to have a state ID. That there are plenty of
teenagers and children who come in and do they need one? I dont think so! So whats
wrong with this? She freaks out on us and throws us out of the building!

After talking to my dad early that morning, telling him Im comming. Then driving all the
way out there, a nervous wreck ... I leave not even being able to see him!
I wasnt even mad that I didnt get to see him. Of course I want to see him! But what
Really bothered me is that he didnt get to see us! He was going to be so disappointed!
He sat there all morning waiting for us being all excited and we are a no show.
I cant even imagine what that felt like for him! I was a mess. I sat in the car for
a good 30 minutes just staring at the building. Being devestated that my father was
so close, I could see where he was at, but I could see him! I didnt want to leave.
I couldnt even drive with the tears.

I can honestly say whole heartidly, I have never been so upset in all my life.
SO when we went home he wasnt going to be able to call until after 4pm.
So he had hours to sit there, sad, wonderig whats going on before even getting
to talk to us and find out. I tried so hard and I failed him. I felt like the
biggest disappointment of a daughter.
Why are people so cruel?! ALl I wanted to do was enter a building and see my father
whom I havnt seen in 7 months. And who after tomorrow I wont see for 2 1/2 years.
They could make my day, my week, my month or break my heart. All depending on what
they feel like being that day. Someone understanding or someone mean.

So tomorrow is the last court date. I will be able to see him for 30 seconds from afar.
If Jill doesnt show up tomorrow the case will be dropped. But for some reason she
keeps dragging this out. Why? Shes not even hurt. 7 months is long enough without our
father, why is she doing this? I pray to God she doesnt show up tomorrow. The happiness
of my family depends on it. We are completely falling apart without him around.
If I see her tomorrow Im going to beg her .. literally. Ill put all my pride aside and
beg her to walk away, to not enter that court room!
Im 21 years old. Im going to want to get married, have kids. I will not be able
to do any of these things if they happen to come along in the next 2 1/2 years.
My sister is 16, going through really hard times. With my mom, with school, with
life in genreal. These are critical times that my father needs to be around for.
My family is living off of my grandparents and they will soon have no place to go.
My grandparents can only support them for so long. My family is literally in every
possable way falling apart!

Why in gods name is she doing this. What has he done so bad where he needs to be
gone for 3 years?! Really! Shes not only hurting him, but a family. She is recking
us. What he did to her is fixable and already has been. What she is doing to us
is altering our lives, destroying them. We need our father ...

Another thing on my list is getting done and I didnt
have to do anything for it to happen, haha. Talk about
some good shit! Nicole at my work is getting fired
and Im getting fulltime! YES! About damn time. I love
that me and my manager are tight because I get whatever
the fuck I want because I actually do shit for her.
So By the end of the month Ill have Monday thru Friday
11a-7p. Sorry to all the other employees who will only
be getting 1 shift a week, and they are all on the weekends.
Jens my gurl, luv ya!

Short update about my recent hospital experiance, it was pretty sucky. Obviously, lol. Tuesday I woke up feeling like shit. I have been sick for the past 3 weeks and it just kept getting worse and worse. So I was like fuck it, go in!
As soon as I got there and told them my symptoms, they asked me 2 questions and diagnosed me. Are you on the pill? Do you smoke? Yes x2! So 5 doctors told me they think I have a blood clot in my lung, Fun! They took blood and colapsed a vein. Then actualy took blood from the other arm and stuck an IV in me. Did some blood work, gave me an EKG. X-ray as well as a Katscan. None were fun. I sat there all alone for 3 hours until Tommy and Kimmy showed up. Little Dave did offer to come up and see me when he found out I was there alone, hes a sweetheart. But I dont really like people to see me at my weak points, esp now. But I was basically in tears cause I was pretty scared and I was alone. Alot of things Im being able to handle right now, but my health, that one got to me. They did give me some Dilaudid in my IV which made me a VERY happy camper. God if they sold that shit, lol, I would sell my soul for a lifetime supply. :-p So turns out they just scared the shit out of me for 5 hours, I dont have a blood clot! Thank God! They said its an infection in my lung tissue. But really I dont think they had a fuckin clue what is wrong with me. Doctors suck ass! Yes, yes they Do!!!
ANyways the meds they prescibed were $70 so I had to get some cheaper ones. Instead of being able to afford the 5 day (1 a day) pills I got some 4 a day for 10 day garbage. These things give me a whole new set of problems! They eat away at your stomach pretty bad. I only took 3 today and I threw up. Yesterday I only took one and I was feeling sicker than shit. Oh well though, thats life. I got some vicodin Im takin while at work though because it makes me not feel so sick, ok and a little loopy. But its for work only, I can deal with the shit on my own time. Just want to be able to handle being at work.
Well thats my story, I will have more to come soon.

So my suposid best friend sara, has yet to call me back. I have been trying to get ahold of her all week but her phone isnt working. I called Ryan and told him to have her call me that its important. But she was out with Chrissy n Kati, much too busy to give me a call back. Whatever. Im always there when she needs to talk or is going through something, I always try to help her as much as I can cause I love the girl. But im now going through one of the hardest times of my life and shes just too busy for me. COmplete bullshit!

Whatever to sucky friends!

I know its been a while since I wrote and I have alot of BULLSHIT to write. And I mean ALOT! First off Tim found out about the lake house shit, i knew he would. We dont really talk anymore and if we do its him yelling at me. I have pretty much come to a "fuck it" state of mind when it comes to Tim. It was great knowing him and I have a few regrets but Im over him now. That only took 6 years.

Me and Tommy 2 weeks ago went to Miles grad party in the woods right down the street. It was fun drinkin by the fire n chillin. After a while some people got into a fight, a very unfair fight. 3 against one poor nice kid. Shit broke out and it was a mess. Night ended up with Damons g/f and this Jenny girl talkin shit but no one let me fight them. I hit a few guys and got hit back. Also Tommy got whomped by 3 guys, it was a gay ass move cause they were all bigger than him. And it was all cause he defended me. Whatever.

4th of July weekend was fun. We hung out with Charles, Danielle and Leslie. They blew off $300 worth of fireworks. The only gay part was that a cop showed up and dumped another $300 worth in water. TOo bad they were water proof, dumb ass! Lately I have been haning out with Leslie and Danielle. We all go to the movies alot and to Dennys n such. Good times. Also we chilled with John alot too, hes a cool fucker. I got my license back so thats alot of fun. Yayness. We hung out with Paul a few times too which is always funners.

Ahh Buh! Ok well theres been an intereumption so I will have to finish the rest tomorrow. Thats where all the good/bad shit comes in.

OMG today blows the biggest ass ever! I woke up after having a horrid dream about my mom driving and wrecking my car. Then I had terrible cramps. Then I got nasiated as all fucking hell and began throwing up all fuckin day. I threw up even before I ate anything. It was yellow ickyness. SO I ate some wheat toast with butter and drank some water. That soon came right back up. Let me tell you that wheat bread def does NOT taste good comming back up. So my throat was killing me so i drank some water. The second I did, right back in the bathroom throwing that up. WTF. Right now Im sipping on some water and nibbling on crackers. I feel a little better now besides the fact that IM hungrier than shit but cant eat.
My plans today got fucked. I was gonna go see Sara at her work and see if I Could get a job there. Then I was gonna see if she wanted to go get some dinner cause I got some money. Well Tommy needed the car for work, I totally forgot. Besides, I wouldnt have gone out the door feelin like this. I have been getting sick ALOT lately. I hope nothings wrong. Probably just the change of weather. Oh well, Im going back to lay down, read and hopefully sleep.

This entry is for all the mommys who I love dearly.

For and foremost

Happy Mommys Day To Muh Sara! I cant wait til you have the little one. I hope he looks like you :-p

Happy Mothers Day To My Mom, who sucks and decided to sleep all day. Figures.

Happy Mothers Day To My Grammy, I love you!

Happy Mommys Day To Sarah. I hope all went well with the pregnancy, cant wait to see little Trinity.

Happy Mothers Day To Kimmi, wow #2 on the way.


If I forgot anyone, Oh Well. Happy Mothers Day.

I couldn't tell you why she felt that way,
She felt it everyday.
And I couldn't help her,
I just watched her make the same mistakes again.

What's wrong, what's wrong now?
Too many, too many problems.
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.
She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
I's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.

Open your eyes and look outside, find a reasons why.
You've been rejected, and now you can't find what you left behind.
Be strong, be strong now.
Too many, too many problems.
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.
She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.

Her feelings she hides.
Her dreams she can't find.
She's losing her mind.
She's fallen behind.
She can't find her place.
She's losing her faith.
She's fallen from grace.
She's all over the place.
Yeah,oh

She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.